falling into flight

The voice that had narrated my life up until now was screaming of perfection.  If there was a patron goddess of "Emmy's Identity" she would be living in a well manicured mid century home, never making mistakes, always saying the right thing, invariably polished, receiving an A+ every day which clearly leads to an A+ in life.  Her mantra would be "There's nothing we can't do if we work hard, never sleep and shirk all other joy in our lives."  Otherwise known in the world we live in as "Having My Shit Together". This Patron Goddess was wrong and also annoying.  But trying to shut her up is like trying to get my son's cat out from under the bed when she doesn't want to come (shoutout to Kitty-Kitty!).  You can stare at her and coax her, coo nice things and promise treats.  But in all reality you have two choices: wait until she is ready to come out on her own (which, let's be honest, cats are laughing at how ridiculous we are...

There I was, nervously staring at the laptop screen behind my locked bedroom door, trying to verbalize to this lovely therapist that I needed to know what my purpose in life was. (let's call my therapist Edna because that is Mrs. Garrett's first name from the Facts of Life and I always wanted a Mrs. Garrett for myself.  I hope you are picking up on the fact that 80's TV sitcoms were highly impactful in my development)  I needed to have a path, a goal, or at least a general direction to my life.  I wanted to give back to the universe in some way that could leave a positive impact and give my life meaning.  After quite a bit of discussion, Edna responded with the obvious observation that I was experiencing quite a bit of anxiety and discomfort about all of this.  (Internally I was thinking, no way I am super chill right now! But I also have the reputation of being an open book that can't hide my feelings so I digress)  And then she asked me WHY. ...

It's a funny thing that happens once the internal ball of anxious energy unravels and you start living in the present moment.  Beautiful things. And I'll get to the rest of my adventure in Ireland very soon.  But first let's go back to what had brought me to this point in my life in the first place. For almost four decades of my life I pretty much had all the answers.  And the important things I didn't know were left to be decided by an unknown entity in the universe that never reveals itself, so out of my hands.  And I trusted and had faith in all of this without question.  Being raised in a very black and white, dogmatic religion provided security for me.  It brought me comfort and "knowledge".  It gave me answers to deal with things that were scary, painful and hard to reconcile about being a human. I should mention that this life was a wonderful life.  I was raised in a kind and loving family.  Although rather modest, my upbringing p...

When I was 6 years old, just about the age when children are finally forming lasting  memories, I was left at the park by my parents.  And no, they were not abandoning me in a cold hearted attempt to teach me a lesson for pooping my pants.  Yes this happened (on a different occasion) and no I don't have a good answer for why I did it.  I think maybe I was too busy playing in the sand while my parents watched my brother play little league baseball and thought no one would notice?  Only 6 year old Emmy knows the answer to that one.  But I digress. What actually happened was that we were at the park with other families and friends.  I was playing Star Wars on the monkey bars and had JUST snagged the coveted role of Princess Leia, so obviously having the time of my life. Just when I was getting ready to profess my love to Hans Solo my parents declared it was time to leave.  Wailing and gnashing of teeth ensued until our friends offered to bring me h...