falling into flight

Why write? Who are we writing to? What for?  Writing beckons me as a teacher, a healer and a therapist.  There are lessons in writing.  There is meaning in language - words chosen and pieced together in just the right way.  For me, there is something quite visceral about the words on a page.  I can feel it in my bones or find it catching my breath.  But I often find it difficult to convey what’s going on in my head and heart in a language that fits.   But then I met Etty.  Esther "Etty" Hillesum is not with us anymore, at least not in the physical sense.  But she has been with me every day since we were introduced.  Our introduction was simple - a brief mention in a book accompanied with a quote from her, which I couldn’t seem to get out of my head.  “There are many miracles in a human life.  My own has been one long sequence of inner miracles”.  The pull drawing me towards her was magnetic.  I dove in - Wikipedi...

I left the tiny bubble of a very strict, highly conformist religion 8 years ago. The world I was born and raised in was a very small one.  I had received an excellent education and my 3 siblings and I graduated college with a Bachelor’s Degrees or higher.  But my knowledge of the REAL world was lacking to say the least. Through new experiences, curiosity and openness I slowly recognized the warped lens through which I had been seeing the world for 37 years.  It’s scary and uncomfortable to come to such a realization. Scary because change is painful and I would likely hurt, make uncomfortable or cause conflict with others along the way.  Uncomfortable that I was wrong about so many things, had judged others unfairly and known so much less than I thought.  The shock and bewilderment I felt as I came out of this fog is hard to put into language.  The closest I can get is to describe it as disorienting with a dash of shame and regret thrown in for good measure....

This morning my husband spilled a very large, very full cup of coffee all over my kitchen.  I’m always surprised at the distance and reach that flailing liquid can achieve.  It seemed as though the full contents of the cup had splattered all around me. But upon closer inspection I realized the majority of the coffee had emptied right into the closed drawer below.  (Those who understand physics better than my high school education might explain this to me but I digress.)  The dreaded utensil drawer, with all of its random spatulas, measuring cups, tongs and more were swimming in brown liquid.  I had nowhere to be so I offered to clean it up as the hubs was in a hurry to get to work.   It quickly occurred to me that a large percentage of the items existing in that drawer were things I never used.  Or the items I did use existed in unnecessary multiples, some preferable to others. In some cases I didn’t even know what the tool was and why did I ...

So, last night I was sitting at the local restaurant bar, chatting with the bartender and waiting for my girlfriends to arrive for happy hour and chats - maybe even a hot plate of nachos. Just kidding. As much as I would like to have brushed my hair, be wearing real pants, and “outside” shoes - that is just not the reality of the world I am currently living in.  Did you know there is a global pandemic going on?! ::insert insane laughter here:: Of course you know - you are also living in this new reality we call “The Rona”, “COVID-times”, “Coronaviscious”, “The COVE”, “Coronacation” (maybe a stretch at this point).  No matter what you call it, the world has forever changed and the entire planet is a player in the gameshow of “WTF?!” (sponsored by Charmin and Purell). Here is how I see it.  We are collectively experiencing fear, anxiety, sadness, and loss of all kinds.  This game we have all been forced to play (just like Jr High dodgeball) came unexpectedly,...

 I needed to write, to express myself through written language not only so that others might hear me but so that I could hear myself. -- Gabor Mate This July will be 10 years since my father passed away.  As his health was ailing, I would regularly go sit and spend time with him and also give my mom a break.   In the last few months before his passing I used that time to ask him questions and record the conversation.  It was an opportunity for him to look back at his life and share experiences, lessons and wisdom for his family and loved ones.  It was also an opportunity for us, as loved ones, to hear his thoughts and feelings about the really important things in life.    Several weeks ago I sat down and listened to these recordings for the first time since they were made.  It had been a decade since hearing his voice and I had forgotten exactly what questions I had asked him.  Here was my father, with only weeks to live, l...

Over the Holiday break our family had the opportunity to head up to our cabin in the nearby Sequoia national forest for a snowy night in the woods.  For us, the cabin is a magical place providing distance from the frenetic pace of “regular” life in a place full of comfort, love, warmth and connection with nature and with each other. The roads had been cleared of snow, or so we thought, and we made plans to head to dinner at the local restaurant.  But on our drive through the small community we came upon a patch of ice and got stuck.  Unable to get any traction we spent over an hour attempting to put on the new, fancy, self-tightening snow chains.  After plenty of frozen hands, laying on the ice, and lots of slippery feet pushing on the back of our car, it was determined those chains were just not going to fit.  Thanks to a local and a shovel we managed to rock the car enough to get it going while the rest of us walked the remaining ¼ mile to the restaurant....

Through a recent series of events I've become aware of a study about adverse childhood experiences called the ACE's study.  This was a research study conducted by Kaiser and the CDC starting in the 90's that revealed there was a strong correlation between a child’s exposure to traumatic experiences—including psychological, physical, and sexual abuse, or living in a violent or unstable household—and their likelihood of developing certain diseases in adulthood, including cancer, chronic lung disease, heart and liver disease. Also, these adverse childhood experiences are very common.  It's groundbreaking, in my opinion, to learn this.  Without a doubt, there is a biological connection between early adversity and physical health later in life.  There is a questionnaire you can take to find out how many ACE's you have and I promptly did just that.  Now, unsurprisingly to me, I do not have a single one on the list of 10 possible adverse childhood experiences.  I...