Wild Geese

 I needed to write, to express myself through written language not only so that others might hear me but so that I could hear myself. -- Gabor Mate

This July will be 10 years since my father passed away.  As his health was ailing, I would regularly go sit and spend time with him and also give my mom a break.   In the last few months before his passing I used that time to ask him questions and record the conversation.  It was an opportunity for him to look back at his life and share experiences, lessons and wisdom for his family and loved ones.  It was also an opportunity for us, as loved ones, to hear his thoughts and feelings about the really important things in life.   

Several weeks ago I sat down and listened to these recordings for the first time since they were made.  It had been a decade since hearing his voice and I had forgotten exactly what questions I had asked him.  Here was my father, with only weeks to live, lying completely vulnerable and immobile. He could do nothing for himself and, aside from speaking and breathing, was completely dependent on others.  He had limited time on this planet and there was no way of escaping that reality. This was his chance to open up his true feelings and let it all out. There was nothing left to lose.

This inspired me to ask these questions of myself as well as people in my life that I love and respect dearly.  Because I don’t want to wait until I’m near death to ask these things. In reality we all could be “on our deathbed” at any given time.  As Marcus Aurelius says, “This life could end at any moment. Let that determine what you do, and say and think.” So I set off to collect a little “data”.   Here are the questions I mailed off:

-What has been the most significant perspective changing moment(s) in your life and why?

-What has been your most vulnerable moment and what did you learn from it?

-What is something about yourself that you feel like you need to keep hidden from other people and why?

-What creates meaning in your life?  Or, if you don’t know what that meaning is, are you searching for it?  How?

-What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Now, most humans don’t really enjoy the idea of homework, let alone grown adults who are very busy doing “life” as it is.  So I am so grateful to have received quite a few responses to these questions I proposed (and am looking forward to others that may still come!).  But the current data is in and the results are quite profound. I’ve been moved by the openness and vulnerability, bravery and humility that these beautiful friends and family have shared with me. It was an absolute honor to say the very least.  

But what was particularly revelatory for me was seeing just how similar we all are.  In this modest data set there exist business men and women, teachers, stay at home moms, farmers, musicians, dancers, stylists, photographers, and health care workers.  They range in age from 19 years old to late 70’s and are just as varied in personality, shape, size, interests, and stages of life. Yet we all have some very significant things in common.  And there is great power in understanding that we are not alone.

As an example I’ll share a recent situation of mine.  Because of some uncomfortable and annoying symptoms I was recently inquiring with my doctor something along the lines of “What the hell is happening!?  Has my body been taken over by aliens or is this just the psychotic break I’ve been afraid of all my life?” The soft spoken Jewish gynecologist with the gentle smile looked at the blood test results and kindly informed me that I was actually going through menopause and all of these symptoms were a result of that.  He also mentioned that these things might come and go, get worse or better, or involve new symptoms at any point between a range of 6 month to 15 years. Oh good, I feel much better now.  

Now, as you know,  I’m a changed person and currently in a phase where I cannot seem to shut up about any challenge/growth I’m facing in life.  So my new “Party-pause” (that’s what I’ve decided to call it) lifestyle has been openly and humorously talked about with friends, coworkers, family and even my trainer at the gym (bless his heart).  Most responses were either admissions of their own struggles with it or hearing of multiple women in their life going through the same thing. I’ve also just finished a book about women in their 40’s and all the changes that come with that, Party-pause getting an entire chapter dedicated to it.  All of this is to say that so much of my embarrassment, unease, anxiety and frustration has been mitigated significantly just by hearing that I am not alone in this.  There is immense relief in recognizing that we are just like everyone else.  

So, in that spirit, please allow me to share with you some common themes and challenges of the human experience that were expressed by these beautiful letters and the quotes that accompany them:

PAIN

“Human pain is like a game of Whac-A-Mole. Every time you knock down one kind of pain, another one pops up. And the faster you whack them, the faster they come back. The pain may get better, it may change shape, it may be less catastrophic each time. But it will always be there. It’s part of us. It is us..”

-Mark Manson

-I didn’t know that amount of fear was possible.  It completely took over my body.

-It feels so good to speak about this but it still hurts.

-I never knew that amount of pain and sadness could exist in this world.

-I thought I would be respected for doing what I thought was right but people respected me less actually. 

-I felt so alone.

-It physically hurt.  The sadness was crushing my insides.

-I didn't think there were any tears left.  But there were always more.

-The feeling that the world was good and safe left me that day.

-I never knew an emotional wound could cause so much pain.

SELF CRITICISM

“We talk to ourselves more than we'll talk to any other person over the course of our lives but our words aren't always kind or true or helpful—or even respectful.  Most of what we say to ourselves we'd never say to people we love or care about, like our friends or children.”

-Lori Gottlieb

-I get that I am not a catch.

-I should do better.

-It must be exhausting to be my friend.

-I am mortified that I am still in this position.

-I replay in my mind the times I fucked up and relive the shame over and over.

-I hide my relationship insecurities and feelings of self-hate.

-I had let them down and I was a piece of shit for being so selfish.

- I have far more self doubt than I wish I did.  It feels unattractive and weak to show that so I feel like I have avoided taking chances or sharing this.

-I should have realized I couldn’t fix _____ and I blame myself for this almost every day

-I am not ______ (pretty, thin, smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, tough) enough.  

-I can’t even imagine what it would feel like not to blame myself.  How does that even work?

-My friend will realize I am obviously not worth their time now.

-I’m not enough.

FEAR OF VULNERABILITY

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.”

–Madeleine L’Engle

-Telling my true feelings and insecurities makes me feel like I’m standing naked in the middle of Target.  

-I think being vulnerable is just allowing someone to see a part of you that causes you discomfort but you do it anyway.

-If I say it out loud it will push them away

-I had zero support and everyone I loved and cared about disagreed with my decision

-If I weren’t afraid I would be in an emotionally open and committed relationship.

-I am held back from putting myself out there because of self doubt.

-I want to scream it from the rooftops sometimes but it’s just not a socially acceptable concept so I dance around the subject instead, unsure of my decision.

-If others knew how little I get accomplished some days I suspect they'd like/respect me less.

-If I tell the truth they will think I’m lazy and entitled

-They will finally see that I’m not as smart as they think I am.

-If I try it, I’ll probably fail and look like a fool. 

Almost every one of these quotes resonates with me.  How many of them echo similar thoughts and feelings for you?  We all experience pain and always will. Every one of us has those harsh committee members in our head chastising and condemning.  And we all are fearful of showing our true selves to others. We have so much to gain and so much to learn from one another. My wish is that we can recognize more clearly and more often how similar we all are.  I hope that recognition creates a space that will allow us to free ourselves from self-judgement, fear, and doubt and be brave enough to be our true selves.

In the spirit of those hopes and wishes I feel it incumbent upon me to share the lessons and wisdom learned collectively here.  For we are all in this together.

LESSONS LEARNED 

"Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime's work, but it's worth the effort."

-Mr Rogers

-I learned how to allow others to be correct.

-How to own my mistakes

-I do not have all the answers and I am ok with this

-When vulnerability is abundant, so is learning and growing

-I know that fears prevent me from doing things that bring positivity, happiness, and openness to mine and others lives

-Everyone’s perspective is different and people don’t move through the world the way I do and that doesn’t have to be scary

-I realized the world didn’t work in the way that I had been taught

-Every day I get to open my eyes is a gift

-I am already good enough and have nothing to prove

-I realized that I had been wrong and that it’s OK to be wrong sometimes.  In fact I’ll be wrong a lot more.

-We are all on our own path and we all have our own truth that we’re trying to live by

-I don’t believe that you “find” meaning as much as you “create” it.

-I realized I escaped sure death by about two seconds and the rest of my life would be a gift.

-The more honest with myself and others, the more at peace I feel.

-I learned that I was capable of greater rage than I realized I could be -- but that I could control it.

-Imperfection is the only option

-I don’t know the answers and probably never will

I come away from this little experiment with a tremendous amount of gratitude for those in my life willing to share and a boundless appreciation for all the pieces of our humanity.  Because we are getting through it together, ya know?

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

-Mary Oliver