Hurry up and grow
Practicing imperfection and vulnerability was a lot of hard work. Every day was a new situation that challenged me to pause and translate my previous distorted thinking into this new reality. I felt as if I was learning a new language! Looking at the world with a whole new set of eyes was thrilling and joyful sometimes. But it could also be exhausting and discouraging. It turns out decades of thought patterns and practices aren't that easy to quit. Thanks a lot mother nature.
This new perspective naturally brought about changes in my life. Between how I spent my time, who I spent it with, what things were allowed on my "to-do" lists and quitting my job.....a lot was happening. But you all know that famous quote by Einstein about how change is easy, right? No? Oh that's right...
Because change is DIFFICULT.
But I knew this was the direction I wanted to go. I like to lean on the words of the psychologist, Abraham Maslow, when he said,
“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.”
Or to paraphrase, "Emmy if you want to grow you've got to get dirty girl and it's going to hurt."
My latest challenge with change and growth had to do with the casual question of "What the hell am I doing with my life!? (and other low stress expectations)." As I mentioned before, my two oldest children were out adulting fabulously and my one child left at home was 15 years old and quite independent, wanting very little of my time and attention. Weird, I know. My previous identity of mother/caretaker/homemaker was fading on the horizon quickly. However, I had no interest in just being a consumer -- nothing more than the sum of my daily obligations and duties. I wanted to know how I could give back to the world. I needed to feel as if I was making something of myself. And I wanted the answer. Like....now.
Yeah, this is checking out with me. Being raised Mormon, I was taught from a very early age the answers to life's important questions. The answers were written in our scripture. They were spoken by those I believed were communing directly to God. They were written in the correlated literature and announced every 6 months over a pulpit at a worldwide conference. If there was ever any trial or query in life I knew exactly how to find the answer. I was accustomed to knowing what the answer was. I knew what the end of the yellow brick road looked like. However, as I also mentioned before, I had visited the great and powerful Oz and seen behind the curtain. Mr Oz had good intentions and a kind heart but he was making it all up as he went along. He had no answers for me anymore.
And just like Dorothy, I was eager and cheerful and on the hunt for Emerald City. I was enjoying my new friends and the sights along the way but I was anxious to arrive at my final destination. Each week at our sessions, Edna was reminding me of my desire to get away from the framework of "doing for a goal". And that if I really wanted to disconnect from that I would have to sit in the "not doing" for a while, no matter how uncomfortable; and that the only way I can truly separate myself from that mindset, was to just BE.
Ok, wow. This lady talking to me through the screen was giving me a permission slip for a new goal in life. That goal was to not have a goal. And the permission slip was official with a letterhead and a date and a beautiful cursive signature at the bottom. At least that's how it was in my head.
I had permission to not have a "thing". I was given permission to not have to know the plan, the meaning, or the purpose. In fact, I needed to do the exact OPPOSITE. Hooray what a relief! I wanted to run around waving that parchment paper yelling "Look, guys, look! I don't have to DO anymore to be worthy!"
Those feelings of relief and freedom usually lasted 3 or 4 days before those old patterns and habits just slipped right back in. Sneaky little bastards. Let me give you a little glimpse into my brain. Conversations in my head would go a little something like this:
"I feel lazy. What have I even done today?"
"How long is an appropriate amount of time before I'm done and start doing?"
"This 'just being' thing is making me squirmy."
"Is this taking me too long? Is it time to figure my life out yet?"
Remember the episode of "Friends" where Chandler and Rachel are trying to help Ross get his couch up the stairs to his apartment? He just keeps repeating over and over "PIVOT!!"....."PIVOT!"....."
Edna said, "Emmy, you wouldn't be frustrated with a plant and yell 'Hurry up and grow!' at it would you?" It's at this point in the story that I must reveal to you that my husband and I have recently realized we are becoming old people. And I'm not sad about it. I like to affectionately call us "gardening nerds" but let's just say I now understand why people of "advanced age" have hundreds of random potted plants on their patio, hang hummingbird feeders in the trees and purchase actual lawn ornaments. It's a thing and I'm into it.
Edna is right. It made so much sense. I had just planted the seeds of imperfection, vulnerability and "not having a plan" into the dirt and yet was inadvertently yelling at them to grow dammit. That's the thing about growth. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes daily watering and frequent soil adjustments. Growth means checking in on the plant and changing its needs through each stage of maturity. Waiting for the plant to flower also means sometimes forgetting to water it, removing pests and even killing it. (in case anyone is wondering I have killed a plant or 7 not that I'm counting)
But the good news is I can try again. I can plant those seeds into a new pot and encourage growth. I can tend to this plant again and again and get better ever time. It is very likely I'll mess up and need reminders from my gardening expert, Edna. I'm also lucky enough to have my gardening partner, Hubby, and friends who frequent my garden to ever so gently remind me to stop yelling at that plant.
I'm pretty confident it's going to grow something beautiful. But we will have to just wait to find out.
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