My own Chuck Norris Club

When my youngest son was in the second grade he told me that he started a club and he was the president. He named it the Chuck Norris Club and apparently they would walk around at recess “all cool, gangster style" (his exact words). All were invited to join. Then he showed me the walk. It was indeed tough and gangster looking.

“There are...18 billion cells in the brain alone. There are no two brains alike; there are no two hands alike; there are no two human beings alike. You can take your instructions and your guidance from others, but you must find your own path.” -Joseph Campbell

My son was creating the world he wanted to live in, designing his own experience and finding his own path.

It may not come as much of a surprise to find out that our society and culture impacts our lives in many ways, much more than we are even aware of. Most of us desire to fit in and be seen as “normal”. We all want belonging. And the multitude of factors that contribute to this desire are too many and vast to possibly do them any justice here. But as I'm moving through this period of existential reflection I'm recognizing the sheer magnitude of the influence they have had on me. And I would like to be much more intentional about that. I want to create the meaning I want in my life,....and not let others decide what matters.

Just like the very gratifying process of putting together playlists on Spotify, I get to curate my life!! That's pretty rad.

I had a nap this week. That hasn't happened in a very, very long time. My lifelong pattern is most often to wake up from naps with a fuzzy, confused brain and moderate headache. That's why naps are so rare for me – the cost/benefit ratio is way off. But once in awhile, if I'm really lucky, I wake up slowly and gradually – feeling like a delightful drug is gently wearing off. This was one of those times.

As the drug of sleep was slowly releasing its grip and I was returning to the waking world, I thought to myself “this is how I feel about creating my life”. I'm gently and slowly coming to and the possibility awaiting feels lovely.

But it takes effort. Getting myself up and out of bed away from that drugged nap takes energy. Deciding exactly what Emmy thinks is important also takes strength and it takes intention. I am finding myself asking the questions, “Am I making this choice or taking this action based on what society or others think is good/attractive/smart/acceptable? Is this important because of years of unquestioning behavior/expectation or because it actually is important?” and then trying to move forward accordingly. My hope and desire is to determine what resonates with me. I want those paths to be ones that speak to my soul and create an environment that provides meaning in my life. As Elizabeth Gilbert says, “When can you start pursuing your most creative and passionate life? You can start whenever you decide to start”. I've decided to start, I think.

I mentioned in an earlier entry that I felt as if I am learning a new language. And I still do. This new language offers opportunities every single day to ask myself these questions and then be brave about what happens next. This inevitably requires focus and self reflection and energy and intentionality. That's hard work. Just like my kindergartener said once after sitting on the potty, “That poop was like P.E. for my bum". I hear you man. This transformation is like P.E. for my soul.

Funny, when I was younger, I always thought I'd have it all figured out by the time I “growed up”.

The way I see it I don't need to know everything. I just need to trust myself. Last weekend I attended a concert with some dear friends in Chicago. These musicians are some of my very favorites. They are a trio of sisters with outrageous harmonies, badass performances and messages of authenticity and shared humanity. They are inspiring and magical. Here's one of their songs:

When does it end

When do the knots loosen

When is my mind caged inside free to go

Give me the rope that is tied around your neck

I'll cut it away

I'll set you free as you should be

No longer must we live under these burdens

It's here

Right here where I am

Right here and now

It's here

I'm cutting the chord

Lifted away where this doubt can't hold me down

-The Band Joseph “Lifted Away”

The feeling of being surrounded by hundreds of people belting out the same lyrics, some crying (myself included), some punching their fists into the air and all smiling ear to ear is indescribable to say the least. It's a beautiful collective experience that makes you feel anything but alone.

Because, the thing is, we ALL feel this way. We are all plagued by doubt. Let's be real – none of us have any idea what we're doing. We are looking at the world around us and being inundated with content and influence and opinions and perceived authority . What makes a good person? How should I behave so people like and accept me? What makes an attractive woman? Is this how I should parent? Is my life considered successful? How should I look and talk and are these earrings in style these days?

It's exhausting, isn't it?

I'm trying to practice the opposite (practicing,...always practicing) as I slowly wake up from this metaphorical nap.

-Recently being asked about “what am I doing” with my life I had to answer, again, that I was practicing doing “nothing” . More questions followed then suggestions of ideas to fill my time which created squirmies in my tum tum. Remember, discomfort is one of my new best friends ::winky face emoji:: I didn't even need Edna for this one though! I launched a little internal dialogue “hype man” to remind myself that this discomfort is exactly what I'm practicing and I don't need to have an answer to validate my worth.

-Getting my very first tattoo at 44 years old was kind of big. And it's not a small tattoo hidden underneath my clothes either. It's on a very visible part of my body (wrist) where it will be seen pretty much all the time considering I live in Bakersfield. I made the decision knowing full well that there would be many people that will have their own judgments or perceptions of said tattoo. And I just had to be OK with that.

-With the intention of consuming less and hoping to preserve this planet, I've tried to buy used clothing as much as possible as of late. I had been eyeing this particular shirt in one of the local thrift stores. It's definitely not something I would normally wear. Still, every time I perused the racks of the store I would see that shirt and want to put it on. It was calling to me. During a rare weekend with all of my boys at home, we were thrift store shopping and for the 5^th time I was contemplating this top. My oldest walked around the corner and we discussed my uncertainty with this charming shirt. Without hesitation he asked,  “Why wouldn't you wear the shirt?  If YOU like the shirt that's all that matters”. Ah, the lessons our children teach us. I realized in that moment the only thing stopping me was a concern about what other people might think. So, if you see me out and about town with a red cowboy-style shirt with a sizable embroidered guitar on the back just know I decided to buy it after all.

-My husband has been gone on a 10 day trip away from home. After many days I was craving getting out of the house one evening but no one else was available to join me. I could go by myself to grab dinner and a drink but then I might run into people I know. They would see me sitting alone in a restaurant. Embarrassing! Sad! But I told that discomfort I was going anyway and it would just have to come along. After all, I had just done 10 days alone in Ireland doing exactly that so why couldn't I do it in my own hometown? By the way, I ended up enjoying a nice chat with the bartender and she was lovely.  I think I'll make it a regular thing.

“I want to live the most vividly decorated life that I can emotionally,

spiritually, intellectually.

I don’t want to be afraid of bright colors, or new sounds, or big love

or even failure.”

-Elizabeth Gilbert

About a week before my 18 year old son left for college, he joined a group of our friends for dinner before a local museum event. (Side note: It's a beautiful thing to see my children grow into adults and become more like friends to myself and my peers.) These friends and I were discussing possible plans for a hike on the weekend. After some consideration over different responsibilities we had on the schedule, we decided we should just go for it. My son just listened and as we finished he quietly said, “Yeah a lot of people don't know that.” I said, “People don't know what?” to which he responded...

“People don't know that they can live their lives exactly how they want to.”

You wanna do it with me?