So, now what?

After 9 days away from my life I had experienced much and learned many lessons.. These are a few of the take aways from my monumental journey:

-I am capable of taking care of myself. I had a pretty good feeling about this but it sure was nice to put it to the test. I had a few snafu's happen while abroad (losing my passport for half a day!) and I was able to handle it Not to mention just being in charge of the planning, food, travel, entertainment, housing, etc all by myself. It was challenging at times of course but quite empowering.

-I am brave. I had heard people tell me this......I was brave to leave the church....I was brave to be making all these changes in my life.......and I was brave to go on this trip I was taking. I had peripherally accepted that I was sort of "brave". But it wasn't until I was looking deep into my soul and into the eyes of these new friends, knowing I was loving myself and telling my whole story, that I realized I really had guts.

-I am enough. I love and accept myself apart from what I am to other people. It turns out I think I'm fairly interesting and smart and kind all by myself. I also think I'm funny and curious and open and fun to be around. I am worthy by just being me.....not because I'm a wife, a mom to the boys, or a sister or daughter or friend. I am pretty cool with myself.

-I have an incredible “tribe” of people that love me more than I ever realized. I can be 100% myself with them and they have been waiting for me to realize it. They had written me beautiful letters of encouragement and love that I was able to read on those hill tops in Ireland. They had cheered me on with texts of “you can do this!” and scrambled to see me when I returned home to hear me describe my experience to them with open and accepting excitement. I'm so grateful to have recognized how special this is.

-Vulnerability and authenticity is the direction I want to go. I want to live my life in that space as much as possible.

Basically, I was crushing it. (said in sing-song voice) I got home and shared all of this with my people. It was a ticker tape parade in my head. I was filled with gratitude, obviously, but also giving myself some proverbial pats on the back if you will. I had gone and done what I had set out to do. Transformation achieved!

I'd kept a little 4”x6” journal in my pocket while I was away and scribbled in it every chance I got. Today just so happens to be exactly two months since I returned home and I took some time to reread that journal. The list above are the things I wrote as I reflected on my trip waiting to board my flight home. The last thing I said in that journal was:

“So now what?....”

Operation “Life Transformation” day fucking one.

No pressure Emmy. No pressure.

I want to make note that I know that this experience was very unique and most definitely a privilege. It was an unbelievably epic “moment” in my life. And from my 44 years experience of being a human, I recognize these kinds of things don't happen all that often. However, I was also well aware that I could not sustain the clarity and euphoria of such an experience forever because, well......life. But even though I knew it was coming – that “come down” into reality – it is still such a bummer, man. Even though I was self aware enough to understand one trip wasn't going to “fix” my struggles, it sure is disheartening and confusing when that starts to become very real.

Not a week after I returned home I was out at the park running around with my dog when I realized one of those “villains” was having an unbidden conversation in my head about how out of shape I was since taking two weeks off of working out while being away. (permission to eye roll given) Whoa now, say what?! Ummmm, hadn't I just decided that I was not going to measure myself by perfection anymore? Didn't I know that exercise was not to achieve a certain weight or body type or appearance but was instead to provide physical activity, mental health boosts, longevity and enjoyment?

::sigh:: Cue disappointment

About a week after that I was describing my trip experience to a friend over coffee. Their reaction and response to my story was kind but it also was one of mild disinterest and aloofness. Those little villain assholes in my head quickly began to determine that either A) I must be finding it difficult to convey the depth of my little expedition or B) the impact of my transformation was just not as important as I had thought. Oh boy. Come ON, Emmy! Hadn't I just concluded that I didn't need other's approval to validate my worth? Hadn't I committed to trusting myself and owning my story? – That my story mattered, no matter what others thought?

::sigh:: Cue frustration

I want to illustrate a similar pattern from my past. When I was a young I had some experiences with anxiety. One particular anxiety was about bugs – creepy and crawly and biting and stinging. No thank you. I was not allowed Barbies and instead was guided towards Strawberry Shortcake dolls. And I was totally obsessed. During this time my mom thoughtfully decorated my room with strawberries of many varieties. Part of this was the comforter on my bed made by my grandmother. A giant quilted version of Strawberry Shortcake herself accompanied by a set of white sheets with dime sized dark red strawberries all over them. I was the real life version of the heart eyes emoji.

That was until nighttime fell, bedtime came and the lights went out. By the time my eyes adjusted to the darkness there was just enough illumination in the room for me to make out some sort of dark, small spots all over my bed. They could only be bugs of course. I had bugs crawling all over my bed!!!

Terror and panic ensued. I screamed out for my parents to save me. I can only imagine what they thought when their 60 Minutes TV time was rudely interrupted by a blood curdling shriek from the back of the house. As they burst through the door of my bedroom to find their young daughter howling to get the bugs off of her I'm certain they questioned my sanity. I remember my dad repeating over and over that there were no bugs on my bed. But I couldn't see it. I had made up my mind that those dark spots I was seeing in the moonlight were some heinous pest ready to attack. It wasn't until he walked over to the switch and flipped on the light that I realized he was right – nothing but strawberries.

Just so we are clear on how my brain is wired, this “incident” happened more than once. I'll have to verify with my mom but I have memories of this scene playing out multiple times. And each time in the same way – with me crying out for help only to recognize my misguided perspective after the lights were turned on. I'm a slow learner.

Of course, I took all of this to Edna, bless her patient little heart. Gentle as ever, she confirmed what I had elementally known all along: What I was experiencing was very real. My trip was a life changing event that created a shifting of my world from black and white to color. This fire burning in me was lit and smoldering and I could tend to it and turn those logs and try to keep the coals white hot. But, unfortch, it also was not going to be a magic pill that would solve all of my issues.

Well damnit.

But yes, yes, yes of course that is right. I've spent decades with these little villains in my head. They have built a nice comfortable home in there with a wood burning fireplace, marble countertops and a luxury master suite. Those thought patterns are quite comfortable thank you very much and they aren't leaving quite yet. But the good news is their mortgage has gone WAY up, their taxes are through the roof and I've cut off all the utilities. So those residents of Villa Villains, of self judgement and doubt, are going to find their home uninhabitable one day. It apparently isn't today. And it won't likely be by next week. In fact, they may dig their heels in even deeper, kicking and screaming the whole way.

In fact, I did shut down the thoughts that I was out of shape after two weeks off as soon as I recognized it. I replaced them with more accurate and positive ones. I also cutoff the self judgement about the story of my trip being measured by others the second I noticed it happening. I replaced it with the truth, which is that I get to have that story and it is mine to keep forever and no one else can take that away from me. The reality was that the disappointment and frustration had arisen because  those little villains were even in there at all still. But those bitches are getting nervous cuz I am making progress!

The wonderful and hopeful part about all of this is that, just like the tweakers squatting across the street from our cabin up in the canyon, …....I now know that they're there and what they are doing. Recognizing what is happening makes all the difference. Awareness is a slow and hot burning super power.

I eventually learned to ignore those dark strawberries on my sheets for what they were – silly impersonators of the truth. It took practice and it took time and it took help. But I could always flip on that light switch. These thought patterns can also be exposed for what they were – imposters of the most bogus kind.  I was just going to have to keep getting up out of my bed to flip on the light.

“There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out”

-The Avett Brothers