Change

Most of my life I thought tattoos were bad news. As Mormons, we were instructed to treat our bodies like a temple and not tarnish them. There was also a certain “clean cut” image to uphold. This involved a long list of rules about how to treat these bodies, one being that tattoos were a major no-no. After leaving that life behind it didn't take me long to realize that tattoos were not “bad” and in fact could be a very positive and meaningful piece of art. I became very open to getting a tattoo but felt quite certain that it would need to be something incredibly meaningful in order to have it on my body the rest of my life. Tattoos are permanent after all – no going back. And so far nothing particularly momentous enough had presented itself.

Until now.

Let me back it up just a smidge.

I love to travel. But every time I visit a different country it takes me a day or two to go through, what my husband kindly refers to as, my “adjustment period.”  I feel disoriented and out of sorts and a little fidgety. It's just something I've learned about myself and have become accustomed to. It's much easier to accept when I know it will pass which will always be followed by amazing experiences and culture. While recently practicing my daily guided meditation, I was reminded of this feeling. The theme for this day's meditation was about change. To illustrate the difficult and uncomfortable feelings that come with change, the French word “Depaysement” (pronounced dee-pay-zma) was used. This is a term the French use to describe what I experience every time I travel. The definition of Depaysement is: the feeling of not being at home, disorientation due to experience of unfamiliar surroundings, a sense in which one is a “fish out of water.” Yes, that sums it up nicely. Change leaves me in the unfamiliar, feeling disoriented and sometimes fighting for breath.

From my experience, humans are born with varying degrees of tolerance to change. I even have friends who crave change in their lives and need it to be content. (Can you even imagine?!) I tease, of course, because the truth is that I've never been good with change. On a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable I am with change is much closer to a “Monica Gellar.” I've always much preferred the comfortable and recognizable. Because, realistically speaking, change involves loss. Even good change involves the loss of the familiar.

And I'm not sure if anyone has noticed but I've been going through lots of change as of late. ::awkward smile:: Thank goodness I'm finally learning the beautiful lessons that change is teaching me.

Lesson #1: Change is the only constant thing in our lives. “There is nothing permanent except change.” -Heraclitus

Lesson #2: Without change there is no growth. “To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.” -Winston Churchill

So it was in honor of this, embracing change, that I sat on a grassy crag on the tip of Ireland and decided I was going to get my first tattoo. But wait isn't a tattoo PERMANENT? Doesn't that inherently contradict the concept of change? Let me explain. Seven years ago my entire world changed in every way possible when I left the church. And it's pretty much been changing ever since. From how terrifying it was to leave the church...... to how scary it was to open up to friends about my insecurities....... and everything in between – change has been a constant companion. And now through the culmination of many months spending time with Edna, practicing new behaviors and perspectives, and the big solo trip to Ireland – there was a tattoo calling out to me.

There's a song (there's always a song) that illustrates this for me. It was in my ears that day and on my heart for much longer than that and I wanted it to be with me for the rest of my life.

"PLANETS"

I say to my body you were made for living.

I say to my mind you were made for dreaming.

You were made for this

I am a planet turning round the sun

With a brilliant blaze of glory

It heats everyone

I am a comet flying through the stars

With a trailing tail of mystery

I travel very far

The stars are a blanket

I'll wrap them round these shoulders

Arms spread out wide

Turn falling into flight

Arms spread out wide

Turn falling into flight

(This picture taken on that very day by a lovely stranger, who promptly struck the same pose when I took her picture) 

For me this beautiful lyric illustrates how scary change can be. Growth and disorientation and the unknown can be terrifying. Often it feels as if we are free falling into the abyss. But if we accept change and recognize it as a gift, we can create a greater version of ourselves and we can fly. We can take flight into new learning, new experiences and new iterations of ourselves – each better than the last.

Not one to make rash decisions, I sat on my tattoo idea for awhile. I thought considerably about it. I talked to friends and loved ones about it. I daydreamed about it. I googled pictures of tattoos. I talked to my artist friend about creating it. The only thing holding me back was the permanence of it. My hesitation came because I knew there was a very real possibility that one day in the future I might dislike this tattoo. I might have a change of mind. I very well might regret that I wanted a tattoo and now I had it forever. But I couldn't get it out of my head or my heart for that matter.

The tipping point came for me when I realized that even if all of those things happened, I would still have this image to remind me that that is exactly what it's all about. I'll look down at that tattoo and it will remind me, with a nod and a wink, that change always comes. That change always will come. And that I will be just fine.

No, actually, I will be even better.