My new education

I left the tiny bubble of a very strict, highly conformist religion 8 years ago. The world I was born and raised in was a very small one.  I had received an excellent education and my 3 siblings and I graduated college with a Bachelor’s Degrees or higher.  But my knowledge of the REAL world was lacking to say the least. Through new experiences, curiosity and openness I slowly recognized the warped lens through which I had been seeing the world for 37 years.  It’s scary and uncomfortable to come to such a realization. Scary because change is painful and I would likely hurt, make uncomfortable or cause conflict with others along the way.  Uncomfortable that I was wrong about so many things, had judged others unfairly and known so much less than I thought.  The shock and bewilderment I felt as I came out of this fog is hard to put into language.  The closest I can get is to describe it as disorienting with a dash of shame and regret thrown in for good measure.  The road to the other side was not easy.  It took humility and courage, vulnerability and curiosity.  It required me to admit that I didn’t know all the answers but I was willing to seek out new ones.

Last night I finished the book  “Educated”, by Tara Westover.  It took me all of three days to read.  Tara was 17 the first time she set foot in a classroom. Born to survivalists in the mountains of Idaho, she prepared for the end of the world by stockpiling food and sleeping with her "head-for-the-hills bag."She stewed herbs for her mother, a midwife and healer, and salvaged in her father's junkyard.  Her father forbade hospitals, so Tara never saw a doctor and even major injuries were all treated at home with herbalism. The family was so isolated from mainstream society that there was no one to ensure the children received an education and no one to intervene when one of Tara's older brothers became violent. Somehow, through all of this, she taught herself enough mathematics and grammar to be admitted to a religious university where she learned for the first time about important world events like the Holocaust and the civil rights movement.  From her descriptions, Tara dealt with the fear and discomfort, shock and bewilderment that I experienced, multiplied many, MANY times over.  The road to the other side was not easy.  It took humility and courage, vulnerability and curiosity,  It required her to admit that she and her family didn't know all the answers but she was willing to seek out new ones.

This brings me to the current awakening and education I am acquiring.  In our country, we are experiencing a plethora of difficult circumstances.  The list is long and the year 2020 will go down in history for all those reasons as well as how it will impact us, our future and the world at large.  The circumstances as they are have shed light on my own ignorance and the collective ignorance of a large portion of society.  The feelings of shock, bewilderment, shame and regret I am experiencing are all too familiar.  Once again, I’m coming out of a fog of what I thought I knew.  I am speaking of the history of people of color in this country. I am reading, listening, watching and educating with tenacity.  I have so much to learn.  I have admitted to my husband many times over the last many weeks, “It feels like when we left the church.  I can’t believe I never knew these things.” I am not proud of my ignorance.  As I mentioned before, the shame and discomfort are very real.  But I’ve been in this spot before and I’m here to tell you it’s worth it.  The road to the other side might not be easy.  It will take humility and courage, vulnerability and curiosity. It will require us to admit that we’ve been wrong -- that we don't know all the answers but that we are ready and willing to seek out new ones.