falling into flight

“It’s not enough to simply hear these lessons once, instead, one practices them over and over again, turns them over in their mind, and most importantly, writes them down and feels them flowing through their fingers in doing so.” -The Daily Stoic I love to read and one of the most recent books I read is called, “Stillness in the Key” by Ryan Holiday.  In the book the author draws on many timeless philosophies to endeavor us to be “steady while the world spins around you.”  He uses examples from leaders and visionaries throughout history up until the present day and they all share this common quality of “steadiness”.  One such person was a Roman philosopher named Marcus Aurelius.  The author's representation and revere for this man peaked my curiosity and I decided to follow it and read some of Aurelius' own writings, specifically Meditations . Marcus Aurelius was the Roman emperor from 161 to 180 and a Stoic philosopher.  His most well known written work ...

Idea #1: Doubt Idea #2: Trusting myself Doubt says: I've learned so much about myself surely this pursuit should be feeling a little bit easier? Trusting myself says: "Discovering the truth about ourselves is a lifetime's work, but it's worth the effort ."- Mr Rogers Doubt:  These thought patterns and self judgements are getting reeeeally old.  Will they ever get evicted from inside my head? Trusting myself: “To master the mind seems as difficult as to master the mighty winds.” - Bhagavad Gita D: Although volunteering at the local nature preserve, maintaining home and children and health and marriage and friendships etc., donating my time to a local nonprofit, reading tons of books and learning new ideas, and supporting and encouraging events that give back to our community.....I can't seem to “find my purpose”. T:  “Like a lion placed in a paper cage, human beings are generally most trapped by the illusions of their own mind.” -Steve...

Over the weekend I had a good friend ask me about my writing and when the next installment was coming. And my answer was, essentially, that I want to write more but the content I want to write about involves the current themes threading through my life. And those themes are the same recurring lessons I've already written about. In fact, the things I think about and want to write about are the same lessons I've learned and the discoveries that came from those lessons – as always wrapped up with a bow and put up on the shelf in my mind (recurring theme). Remember I figured it all out! (recurring theme) And isn't there a saying about beating a dead horse in there somewhere? I know sometimes I do feel like a dead horse beating myself over the head again and again. Then I remembered something from a book that I read: “So what if we repeat the same themes? So what if we circle around the same ideas, again and again, generation after generation? So what ...

Most of my life I thought tattoos were bad news. As Mormons, we were instructed to treat our bodies like a temple and not tarnish them. There was also a certain “clean cut” image to uphold. This involved a long list of rules about how to treat these bodies, one being that tattoos were a major no-no. After leaving that life behind it didn't take me long to realize that tattoos were not “bad” and in fact could be a very positive and meaningful piece of art. I became very open to getting a tattoo but felt quite certain that it would need to be something incredibly meaningful in order to have it on my body the rest of my life. Tattoos are permanent after all – no going back. And so far nothing particularly momentous enough had presented itself. Until now. Let me back it up just a smidge. I love to travel. But every time I visit a different country it takes me a day or two to go through, what my husband kindly refers to as, my “adjustment period.”  I feel disori...

I have a set of greeting cards titled “Bad Girls Throughout History.” I use them to play pen pals with my two adult sons who live away from home. On the front is an illustration of one of these multiple women, varying in the qualities of their badassery, and a quote from them on the back. One that has been particularly heavy on my mind this past week has been the card with Queen Elizabeth I reminding me, “The past cannot be cured.” Wise woman. As my life has continually opened up since I left the Mormon church, I have looked back at my first 37 years through a completely different lens. And in doing so, there has been quite a bit of regret and guilt. I carry regret for experiences I missed out on, judgements I made, people I excluded or pushed away unknowingly and an underlying perfectionism that I'm still working through. I have guilt about my previous narrow-mindedness, possibly making others feel inferior, but mostly for the way I raised my three sons. ...

When my youngest son was in the second grade he told me that he started a club and he was the president. He named it the Chuck Norris Club and apparently they would walk around at recess “all cool, gangster style" (his exact words). All were invited to join. Then he showed me the walk. It was indeed tough and gangster looking. “There are...18 billion cells in the brain alone. There are no two brains alike; there are no two hands alike; there are no two human beings alike. You can take your instructions and your guidance from others, but you must find your own path.” -Joseph Campbell My son was creating the world he wanted to live in, designing his own experience and finding his own path. It may not come as much of a surprise to find out that our society and culture impacts our lives in many ways, much more than we are even aware of. Most of us desire to fit in and be seen as “normal”. We all want belonging. And the multitude of factors that contribute t...

After 9 days away from my life I had experienced much and learned many lessons.. These are a few of the take aways from my monumental journey: -I am capable of taking care of myself. I had a pretty good feeling about this but it sure was nice to put it to the test. I had a few snafu's happen while abroad (losing my passport for half a day!) and I was able to handle it Not to mention just being in charge of the planning, food, travel, entertainment, housing, etc all by myself. It was challenging at times of course but quite empowering. -I am brave. I had heard people tell me this......I was brave to leave the church....I was brave to be making all these changes in my life.......and I was brave to go on this trip I was taking. I had peripherally accepted that I was sort of "brave". But it wasn't until I was looking deep into my soul and into the eyes of these new friends, knowing I was loving myself and telling my whole s...

On my third day in Dublin the fog of anxiety and fear had lifted.  With my heart rate solidly in the normal range, the world began to open up with possibilities.  I was primed to apply these new concepts of bravery, vulnerability, authenticity and self acceptance.  My plan was to utilize these tools to find true belonging.  Not the kind that allowed me to belong to anyone or anything else.  I desired to belong to myself. Such a simple concept yet so much more difficult to achieve.   Those decades of distorted thought patterns in my head had been compelling me to walk through the world looking for confirmation that I didn't belong.  As a lot of us do, I was scouring people’s faces and listening to their voices for evidence that I was not enough.  And by seeking that evidence I was going to find it.  I could not keep doing that and expect a different result. "True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t nego...

Here I am Protected. Safe. All around are fences. Structures of logic and sense. Walls of rules and promises. Armaments of design and expectation. A framework to keep out hazards that put me in peril. Here I am Told what creates happiness and peace Explanations of what joy looks like Definitions of what goodness sounds like Clarifications of what is meaning Here is how you live This is who you should be Here is what brings value This is worth Here I am Young and growing Pure and full of love Yearning for all things beautiful and true I will complete this catalog of requirements This list of who to be Yes I will be THAT That which is expected That which is never questioned And on and on I go Here I am Protected and cocooned Inside the bubble of fantasy Knowing nothing of what lies beyond Does the slug know what exists outside my garden as it walks along the leaves? Does the fish know what occurs beyond the bowl in wh...

Practicing imperfection and vulnerability was a lot of hard work.  Every day was a new situation that challenged me to pause and translate my previous distorted thinking into this new reality.  I felt as if I was learning a new language!    Looking at the world with a whole new set of eyes was thrilling and joyful sometimes.  But it could also be exhausting and discouraging.  It turns out decades of thought patterns and practices aren't that easy to quit.  Thanks a lot mother nature.  This new perspective naturally brought about changes in my life.  Between how I spent my time,  who  I spent it with, what things were allowed on my "to-do" lists and quitting my job.....a lot was happening.  But you all know that famous quote by Einstein about how change is easy, right?  No?  Oh that's right...  Because change is DIFFICULT.   But I knew this was the direction I wanted to go.  I like to l...